Okay, so we're officially three weeks into our month of no purchases. Since a month has slightly more than four weeks, we actually have 10 days left. We're done on November 9th. I'm trying hard to think of what to update on since week three was pretty similar to week two. We did, however, make a tiny splurge when Nick was given a small cash tip at a wedding. We decided we would use that to pick up a small bag of chips, some drinks, and some popsicles. The amount of time that went into deciding what exactly we would spend that $20 on was humorous. Other than that, we've been really good and haven't purchased anything other that business expenses.
I think what stands out the most to us is that we still think, "Oh let's go pick up...", almost daily when we go past a store. It's interesting that the mere sight of a store almost instantly triggers us to shift into a consumerism mind-set. We don't even NEED what we're thinking of picking up! It's just stuff that would be nice. I'm wondering how long we would have to go before we stopped doing that. We've also settled into a bit of a meal routine. A big pot of beans, red sauce, and ground beef with random stuff thrown in is made once a week. This usually serves us for multiple dinners and multiple lunches as I make a REALLY big batch at a time. I wasn't a fan of week two's stew, but am loving week three's chili!
Another thing that stands out to me, personally, as the meal instigator is HOW MUCH FOOD we have in our house. Seriously, we still have enough meat in the freezer to last months. Literally. We haven't even come close to using up our fresh produce. Since we bought oranges and really hard apples, and have been keeping them in the fridge, they're doing just fine. I'm also surprised at just WHAT I'm finding in the corners of our cupboards. I meant to take the container of cookie dough out of the freezer to defrost and, instead, I realized the next day that I had taken out an identical container of sliced roast beef. I didn't even know we had sliced roast beef in the freezer. Next, I was lining up all our jams and preserves on a shelf to show Nick the ridiculous amount that we have, and suddenly discovered that one of them was pesto. We LOVE pesto! If we knew that was in there, it wouldn't have lasted this long. I can't believe we live in society, in a community, in a house that has so much food that we forget even about really good stuff we have. I kid you not - we could go another month easily without hurting. We don't stock pile. Heck, we don't usually even cook! This is just the stuff that has accumulated over the weeks, months, and years. I can tell you one thing - when our month is up, I have a very small grocery list of things we're missing (coffee, peanut butter, etc.). However, I'm not going to run and stock up on everything. My eyes have been opened to a lot of meal possibilities that I'm going to work on eating through first before I pick up too much else.
Showing posts with label words on my heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label words on my heart. Show all posts
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Thursday, October 23, 2014
One Month Without - Half Way
So today marks almost the half-way point in our One Month Without (buying anything) challenge. There's been a lot of reactions as people find out what we're doing. I've had people question my motives, my resolve, and my sanity. I've had people feel inspired and write to tell me how their lives were being impacted in small ways as well. I've had people totally get it and people completely not get it at all. I've been encouraged by responses, and I've been mortified at other reactions that indicate just how far removed our culture is from being able to distinguish between a need and a want. (No, seriously, you don't NEED coffee every single day. It is okay to run out and not immediately buy more. And with our schedules, I think I might classify as an expert opinion on the topic of caffeine consumption). But I didn't do any of this for anyone else. I did it for me. For us. For my heart.
The first week we didn't feel a lack of anything. We were fed Thanksgiving dinner by family. We had stocked up on fresh produce, and enjoyed a nice anniversary steak dinner. Week two was when the beginnings of that lack started to creep in. We ran out of coffee. We ate beans and rice for lunch three days in a row. (Not because we didn't have better food, but because I'm mixing up "good" meals with less exciting ones to make sure we always have options). I rationed our fresh fruit into three big bowls to make sure we didn't eat it all at once and neglect the canned/frozen stuff. I made cookie dough to freeze for when it's our turn to bring snacks to Life Group at the end of the month because the eggs were more than half gone already. (Thinking that far ahead in terms of food hurts my head). We had a brief scare when we thought we were on our last bar of soap before I found two more hiding under the sink in a forgotten corner. (Seriously, so many good things and blessings hiding out of my sight every day). I got sick, and couldn't run out and buy cough drops, so instead made my own remedy with hot water, lemon juice, and honey. Week two was when we actually had to be inconvenienced. There was at least one occasion where Nick said to me, "Laura, don't you think that constitutes a need?" And I replied with, "only in a first world country". But we made it through the week and were only slightly inconvenienced.
Week two is also when I started to live in a daily, conscious awareness of the goodness we have as I watched it diminish more and more without instantly being replenished. I'm not an overly emotional person (unless you count passion, because it takes very little to set me off on some cause or another), but week two is when I sat in my kitchen preparing a meal of beans and rice for the next day and subsequent lunches and it hit me. As I made what Nick called "poor people food" or "big family food", I paused and looked around. There were left over shrimp frying on the stove in butter from our anniversary dinner, and a marinaded steak awaiting the BBQ (also left over from our anniversary dinner) about to be cut in two to share. There I was sitting researching good bean recipes on my Macbook while Nick stood in the corner of the kitchen surfing the internet on his iPad. As we sat there with our name-brand electronics preparing an amazing dinner, I looked over at the pot of beans and rice I knew we would be eating for the next few days. And it hit me. I didn't cry, but I almost did. How friggin' blessed are we? How wonderful to be together, preparing a delicious meal, in our home. Things I would have taken for granted or simply said, "Yes, of course I'm thankful for all this." But that pot of beans and rice stood out in stark contrast begging me to really FEEL the thankfulness.
Maybe we are crazy. Maybe it's silly to make yourself eat beans when you have better stuff in the freezer that you're saving for later simply because you refuse to purchase groceries. But if this is crazy, then I like it. I LIKE being truly thankful for my meals. I like not taking for granted the fact that I can dig under the counter and find multiple bars of soap I didn't even know were there. And maybe I'm also crazy for being a little sad that this fast from consumerism is already almost half done. I don't want to go back to reality where I stop so acutely noticing God in the little things.
My perception is changing. My prayer priorities are changing. My heart is changing. I pray that it continues to change over the next couple of weeks in a real, and deep, and permanent way. God, may we never have so much that we stop regularly looking to You with hope and gratitude in our hearts. May we never have so much that it owns our attention and steals it from You. May we never have so much that we forget that we actually have much, much more than enough.
PS: And lest you think I am mature or holy or any such silly notions for praying such a prayer, please know it scares the pants off of me to pray something like that. But, some things have to be said, even if you're scared to say them.
The first week we didn't feel a lack of anything. We were fed Thanksgiving dinner by family. We had stocked up on fresh produce, and enjoyed a nice anniversary steak dinner. Week two was when the beginnings of that lack started to creep in. We ran out of coffee. We ate beans and rice for lunch three days in a row. (Not because we didn't have better food, but because I'm mixing up "good" meals with less exciting ones to make sure we always have options). I rationed our fresh fruit into three big bowls to make sure we didn't eat it all at once and neglect the canned/frozen stuff. I made cookie dough to freeze for when it's our turn to bring snacks to Life Group at the end of the month because the eggs were more than half gone already. (Thinking that far ahead in terms of food hurts my head). We had a brief scare when we thought we were on our last bar of soap before I found two more hiding under the sink in a forgotten corner. (Seriously, so many good things and blessings hiding out of my sight every day). I got sick, and couldn't run out and buy cough drops, so instead made my own remedy with hot water, lemon juice, and honey. Week two was when we actually had to be inconvenienced. There was at least one occasion where Nick said to me, "Laura, don't you think that constitutes a need?" And I replied with, "only in a first world country". But we made it through the week and were only slightly inconvenienced.
Week two is also when I started to live in a daily, conscious awareness of the goodness we have as I watched it diminish more and more without instantly being replenished. I'm not an overly emotional person (unless you count passion, because it takes very little to set me off on some cause or another), but week two is when I sat in my kitchen preparing a meal of beans and rice for the next day and subsequent lunches and it hit me. As I made what Nick called "poor people food" or "big family food", I paused and looked around. There were left over shrimp frying on the stove in butter from our anniversary dinner, and a marinaded steak awaiting the BBQ (also left over from our anniversary dinner) about to be cut in two to share. There I was sitting researching good bean recipes on my Macbook while Nick stood in the corner of the kitchen surfing the internet on his iPad. As we sat there with our name-brand electronics preparing an amazing dinner, I looked over at the pot of beans and rice I knew we would be eating for the next few days. And it hit me. I didn't cry, but I almost did. How friggin' blessed are we? How wonderful to be together, preparing a delicious meal, in our home. Things I would have taken for granted or simply said, "Yes, of course I'm thankful for all this." But that pot of beans and rice stood out in stark contrast begging me to really FEEL the thankfulness.
Maybe we are crazy. Maybe it's silly to make yourself eat beans when you have better stuff in the freezer that you're saving for later simply because you refuse to purchase groceries. But if this is crazy, then I like it. I LIKE being truly thankful for my meals. I like not taking for granted the fact that I can dig under the counter and find multiple bars of soap I didn't even know were there. And maybe I'm also crazy for being a little sad that this fast from consumerism is already almost half done. I don't want to go back to reality where I stop so acutely noticing God in the little things.
My perception is changing. My prayer priorities are changing. My heart is changing. I pray that it continues to change over the next couple of weeks in a real, and deep, and permanent way. God, may we never have so much that we stop regularly looking to You with hope and gratitude in our hearts. May we never have so much that it owns our attention and steals it from You. May we never have so much that we forget that we actually have much, much more than enough.
PS: And lest you think I am mature or holy or any such silly notions for praying such a prayer, please know it scares the pants off of me to pray something like that. But, some things have to be said, even if you're scared to say them.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Need vs. Want: One Month Without
We had an interesting question at our Life Group last night: "How do you determine what is a need in your life versus what is a 'want.'" I feel like we answered the question quickly. Too quickly. We need food. We need water. We don't need the latest renovations on our home. We don't need the newest iteration of the iPhone. It was of course followed up with the question of what are we going to do with this knowledge? The obvious answer is, keep our perspectives right! And then we moved on to the remainder of the study. But I couldn't let it go in my heart or my head. It stirred something deeper up inside me.
Ironically, when I got home Nick was updating our budget and announced how well we were doing this Fall with all the projects lined up. This got me thinking even more about this need vs. want thing. A couple weeks ago I cleaned up this blog and hid most of the older posts. I was kind of annoying 5 years ago, and I didn't want it up here, lol. Also, I didn't want all my old, crappy photos cluttering up what I'm gradually morphing into a personal / business blog. However, while I was archiving old posts, I stumbled across memories from our first few years of marriage. The time I dug a record amount of pop cans out of the office's garbage and we treated ourselves to Tim Horton's coffees, and then won a free one and were over the moon. The time we had only $32 a week for groceries and God provided $1,000 worth of free groceries to us. The times we did without. The times we celebrated the little that we had. The times we didn't take for granted all of the wonderful things that are ours in a first-world country.
And then I had an idea, which I pitched to Nick and convinced him to go along with. For one month, starting today, we are not going to purchase anything extra. We can fill the car with gas when it runs out. I can renew my bus pass in a couple weeks. We're going to buy a little treat for our anniversary dinner this Friday and pick up some fresh produce so we don't contract scurvy while pulling this off. Other than that, Nick is contributing to a kick-starter campaign that needs to be completed this week and I had already planned to pay for a portfolio review mid-October. But that's it. (Oh, and for nutritional reasons only, I did agree to reconsider the not buying extra groceries in a couple weeks if we truly have no fruit or vegetables in the house, but given the state of our freezers, I think we'll be just fine).
Well, here's an update on how it's going. I woke up and within 20 minutes I thought, "Oh, I need to pick up a pack of glitter from the dollar store for a photo idea... oh wait, no." That's right. I lasted 20 waking minutes before planning to buy something. I think this will be really good for us, and I'm excited to learn to appreciate the little things again and be thankful for what we have. When a coworker tossed me a free granola bar this morning I was already extra thankful for it because of this. I may be less thankful when we run out of coffee next week, but I think that's the point. It's not supposed to be easy! And that pack of glitter? I'm going to get it, but I'm going to do it the way I would have three years ago. I already picked $0.65 of pop cans out of the office's garbage bin today. I should have enough to buy it in another 2-3 weeks. And guess what? I'll be thankful for it! Really, really, thankful.
Ironically, when I got home Nick was updating our budget and announced how well we were doing this Fall with all the projects lined up. This got me thinking even more about this need vs. want thing. A couple weeks ago I cleaned up this blog and hid most of the older posts. I was kind of annoying 5 years ago, and I didn't want it up here, lol. Also, I didn't want all my old, crappy photos cluttering up what I'm gradually morphing into a personal / business blog. However, while I was archiving old posts, I stumbled across memories from our first few years of marriage. The time I dug a record amount of pop cans out of the office's garbage and we treated ourselves to Tim Horton's coffees, and then won a free one and were over the moon. The time we had only $32 a week for groceries and God provided $1,000 worth of free groceries to us. The times we did without. The times we celebrated the little that we had. The times we didn't take for granted all of the wonderful things that are ours in a first-world country.
And then I had an idea, which I pitched to Nick and convinced him to go along with. For one month, starting today, we are not going to purchase anything extra. We can fill the car with gas when it runs out. I can renew my bus pass in a couple weeks. We're going to buy a little treat for our anniversary dinner this Friday and pick up some fresh produce so we don't contract scurvy while pulling this off. Other than that, Nick is contributing to a kick-starter campaign that needs to be completed this week and I had already planned to pay for a portfolio review mid-October. But that's it. (Oh, and for nutritional reasons only, I did agree to reconsider the not buying extra groceries in a couple weeks if we truly have no fruit or vegetables in the house, but given the state of our freezers, I think we'll be just fine).
Well, here's an update on how it's going. I woke up and within 20 minutes I thought, "Oh, I need to pick up a pack of glitter from the dollar store for a photo idea... oh wait, no." That's right. I lasted 20 waking minutes before planning to buy something. I think this will be really good for us, and I'm excited to learn to appreciate the little things again and be thankful for what we have. When a coworker tossed me a free granola bar this morning I was already extra thankful for it because of this. I may be less thankful when we run out of coffee next week, but I think that's the point. It's not supposed to be easy! And that pack of glitter? I'm going to get it, but I'm going to do it the way I would have three years ago. I already picked $0.65 of pop cans out of the office's garbage bin today. I should have enough to buy it in another 2-3 weeks. And guess what? I'll be thankful for it! Really, really, thankful.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Behind the Scenes
I think there are two dangers in blogging, or sharing through any form of social media really. I think there's the danger of publicly declaring every emotion that pulls at your heart. I'm bored. I'm upset. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm hurt. Etc. And there's also the danger of portraying your life as some magical, struggle-free utopia. How much do you share? How much do you withhold? I think these are personal questions with individual answers. I generally have three rules.
1. I don't share about negative stuff at work. That's just stupid in my opinion. (I also used to work in employment law which I think helps me stay smart about this). Basically, if my boss couldn't read it, I won't post it.
2. I won't post a picture of a minor without their parents knowing about it. Again, just smart legally.
3. I don't post about family issues. If I share something about Nick and I, it's with his full knowledge and consent. And I stay the heck away from extended family stuff!
That all being said, sometimes there's stuff going on at work or with family that is hard. Sometimes I get really sad, or hurt, or angry with what goes on "behind the scenes". My heart is feeling a little bit like that lately. Like the weight of the world and the weight of decisions that people make press in and colour my day to day. Sometimes I feel just so dog-gone sad. Sad as I watch people make destructive decisions. Sad as I watch people hurt other people. Sad as I get hurt. And I won't share it on here as I won't break my three rules. But sometimes it just needs to be said. Because sometimes others just need to know they're not alone in their own personal situations. And sometimes, it's good to hear someone say, "Not everything is so perfect", because it's a good reminder that we're not alone in whatever it is we're going through.
I have one encouragement for anyone going through their own personal struggles. Don't let it own you. I've listened to more than one person in this last year say, "Oh I can't do xyz, because there's just too much going on here or there." And yes, I think there's a place to step back sometimes and deal with whatever is going on, on the home front or where ever else. But at the same time, when I hear statements like that, I look inside and ask myself, "Laura, are you letting your sadness steal away the joy from living? Are you letting it win?"
I don't have all the answers. I don't know where the balance perfectly lies between giving yourself time to mourn something and shoving it to the back of your mind and ignoring it. I won't even tell you I'm working it out day by day, because I'm not. I'm working it out moment by moment. How do I let my heart grieve something genuinely, but also enjoy life to the fullest? I don't know. Today I was sad. I've been sad a lot lately. But today, I also went on a berry-picking adventure. I basked in the sun, and walked through the fields hand-in-hand with my love. I let my fingers get stained red and savoured the best berries instead of putting them into the bucket. Today I bought a new fish to replace Bacon (who jumped to his death again and succeeded this time). Today I made raspberry custard pies from scratch (including the crusts) and opened the doors and windows wide to let Summer in. Today I was sad. But today I also lived.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Photography 365 Project: (Day 144 - Life)
Life is old photographs served best with a side of snickers and groans. Life is freezing time in your mind and soaking the present into your pores. Life is unleashing the imagination onto the blank canvass of future.
Life is staying up til 2 in the morning laughing like school children and playing "what if". Life is staying up til 2 in the morning watering sheets with your tears.
Life is relationship and honesty - with ourselves, with God, with each other. Life is about never giving up on the things that truly matter and letting go of the things that don't.
Life is opening your heart and opening your home. Life is trusting. Life is being broken and being healed - and all the heart's winding paths interlaced between.
Life is passion, conviction, and grace. Life is beauty, pain, ugliness, joy.
Life is passion, conviction, and grace. Life is beauty, pain, ugliness, joy.
Life is messy - in our hearts, in our kitchens, and in our relationships.
Life is chaotic and unpredictable. Life is art. Life is untamed beauty not held captive by rules or "should be's".
Life is paved roads, un-explored trails, broken fences, and battle fields. Life is an adventure. Life is uncertain and does not operate according to our time schedules.
Life cannot be tamed, only lived. To tame it is to kill it with a quiet suffocation, like a slowly fading photograph left too long in the sun.
Life is chaotic and unpredictable. Life is art. Life is untamed beauty not held captive by rules or "should be's".
Life is paved roads, un-explored trails, broken fences, and battle fields. Life is an adventure. Life is uncertain and does not operate according to our time schedules.
Life cannot be tamed, only lived. To tame it is to kill it with a quiet suffocation, like a slowly fading photograph left too long in the sun.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Hi, this is me. (Don't read if you don't want it to get real).
My name is Laura, but that is just a title that I answer to. It is not who I am. It is not how I define myself. If you ask me to describe myself I will throw out words. Words like... overachiever, tenacious, stubborn, artistic, logical, and so on. I will stick more titles, more names, more badges on myself. You may think that I am doing it to introduce you to who I am. I'm not. I'm labelling myself to tell ME who I am.
I watched a show recently that was about a dancer. She was a ballet dancer who made it all the way to her audition with the biggest company there was. She was a shoe-in for the position. The named favourite. But part way through her performance, she slipped on a loose bead from a costume and found herself wondering if she would ever walk, let alone dance, again. A friend told her, "It's okay if you never dance again." And she replied, "Yes, but then I will have to find another dream to define myself."
This is who I am. I am the girl who looks for a goal or a dream to define her. As a child, I looked to my parents' approval to define me. If I was the perfect daughter, then all was right with the world. This was measurable. It was measurable by my parents' attitudes towards me and by the grades on my report cards. I thought it was "who I was". I was wrong.
Then I found God, and I used Him to define me, but not in the way I should have. I used my success at my "Christian walk" to define me. I raised up walls of strict behaviour and used them as measuring sticks to condemn the world around me. Surely none of my friends were "as good of a Christian as I was". The world was black and white. I was on the white side of the line. And they were all grey and tainted. This is "who I was". Wrong again.
Next I found music. People viewed me as some sort of prodigy. From middle C to an A.R.C.T diploma in less than 4 years. I was not gifted in the art of music. I was gifted in the art of determination. I practiced 6 hours a day for almost 4 years straight. Do the math. That's the equivalent of 3 hours a day for 8 years. Or 1.5 hours a day for 16 years. Or 45 minutes a day for 32 years. That is not prodigy material. I have students that practice 15 minutes a day and are moving at a faster pace than that, and they're not even my so called "gifted" students! I used to become paranoid with fear that I would get injured and lose it all. In fact, later on, in my determination to never fail, I ironically dropped out of music at University because I was giving my all, driving my arms into the ground with injuries, and going to get only a B+. High standards much? But surely, THIS is who I was. "The amazing pianist". Wrong again.
Next up, marriage and making a home. I felt like I was under a heavy weight of failure. What sort of girl would move away from her parents, her home town, a rent-free 4-bedroom home for life and choose instead a struggling film student, debt and 400 sq. ft. of rented space? Not to worry. I would show everyone. I would show the world what kind of girl would do that. It would be the kind of girl that landed successful job after successful job, started her own businesses on the side, paid off debt and an entire mortgage in 6 years (still working on that one...). She would be a wife with a perfectly tidy home, volunteer at church, have a social life, and work 2-3 jobs at all times while pursing violin lessons and photography late into the night. Is this who I am? It's what people see right now when they look at me. There's Laura and her million jobs and half a dozen hobbies. Oh, and she has a kick-a** marriage as well (which I do, but that is because I married the most amazing man you could ever dream of). Is this who I am? If you ask me, I will say "no". I am supposed to say that. Please don't be offended that I'm lying to you. I am lying to myself as well.
And the latest and greatest ambition? Photography. I would master it. I would get good. Really good. Hang my stuff on the wall and be proud good. Am I there yet? Some think so. Some don't. Could I get there quickly if I dug in and really put my mind to it? Sure, I could. It's what I do. I conquer things. I'm reaching a place where I know I have so much to learn still, but I actually feel I have a style and a voice. There's Laura. The photographer. She's really good. Is that what I want? I'm supposed to say no, you know. But I want it because it's a label and I collect labels. I pin them to myself in false humility and embrace the sense of peace that comes from knowing "who and what you are".
These are the headline labels, but there are hundreds of others. I'm introverted. I'm wounded. I'm strong. I'm whatever the heck I need to be in the moment to place myself on a pedestal of honour or a pedestal of pity. You know what I actually am, though, right? I'm normal. Everything I just typed can apply to every other human being on the planet. Our labels are different, but our subconsciouses are the same.
I do have one true label, though. The only one that is legit. The only one that is real or truly meaningful. I am going to tell you what it is. When I do, old saints will smile and nod their heads approvingly. The younger generation will perhaps do the same. Or perhaps they will throw out a more enthusiastic "amen!" Others, will gloss over it as commonplace "Christianese", the obvious "Jesus" answer that we joke about. But I'm going to say it. And then I'm going to take it one step further and tell you what most people won't.
Here is who I really am. Here is the label I know to be true. I am a sinner redeemed by what God has done for me, and I am now one of His children, dearly loved, tremendously forgiven.
Good job, me. I said the right answer. Now the part no one really says. What the HECK does that even mean? *Cue the part where I stop typing and stare at my screen while I decide how real I want to get online.
You want a few more labels? I have trust issues. I have trust issues with God. I have no problem with the "God of the universe, King of everything, Lord of all" part. I get that. I understand He came and died for me and that I'm one of His children now. But I obviously don't really get that down in my heart because if I TRULY did, I'd stop collecting labels like they were going out of style. I get authoritarian. I get respect. I get holiness. I don't get unconditional love. I don't get this God that is willing to take me stripped of every label I've ever collected. I don't get this having an identity APART from my titles and accomplishments. I mean, I get the CONCEPT. But I don't get the reality of it. But I want to. I want my relationship with God to be so present, so real, and so encompassing that I don't need a single old or new label. I'm not talking about the religion I so enthusiastically embraced as a teenager. I'm talking about the real deal. I'm talking about being a Christian in the truest sense of the word.
Being a Christian means you can stop. You can stop building your own identity and lying to yourself about who you really are. We are more than what we do. We are more than who we know. We are more than ourselves and our labels. Or at least, we are if we allow God to make us that. I am a Christian. I am free from all of this. But it's time to actually step out of the cage. The door has been standing open for a long time, but I don't think I've ever stepped through. Do I still have trust issues? Sure do. But as a wise family member said to me recently, sometimes trusting is just a decision you make whether your heart is ready to believe it or not. And I'm really good at choosing to do things. So this year, I'm choosing to trust.
I watched a show recently that was about a dancer. She was a ballet dancer who made it all the way to her audition with the biggest company there was. She was a shoe-in for the position. The named favourite. But part way through her performance, she slipped on a loose bead from a costume and found herself wondering if she would ever walk, let alone dance, again. A friend told her, "It's okay if you never dance again." And she replied, "Yes, but then I will have to find another dream to define myself."
This is who I am. I am the girl who looks for a goal or a dream to define her. As a child, I looked to my parents' approval to define me. If I was the perfect daughter, then all was right with the world. This was measurable. It was measurable by my parents' attitudes towards me and by the grades on my report cards. I thought it was "who I was". I was wrong.
Then I found God, and I used Him to define me, but not in the way I should have. I used my success at my "Christian walk" to define me. I raised up walls of strict behaviour and used them as measuring sticks to condemn the world around me. Surely none of my friends were "as good of a Christian as I was". The world was black and white. I was on the white side of the line. And they were all grey and tainted. This is "who I was". Wrong again.
Next I found music. People viewed me as some sort of prodigy. From middle C to an A.R.C.T diploma in less than 4 years. I was not gifted in the art of music. I was gifted in the art of determination. I practiced 6 hours a day for almost 4 years straight. Do the math. That's the equivalent of 3 hours a day for 8 years. Or 1.5 hours a day for 16 years. Or 45 minutes a day for 32 years. That is not prodigy material. I have students that practice 15 minutes a day and are moving at a faster pace than that, and they're not even my so called "gifted" students! I used to become paranoid with fear that I would get injured and lose it all. In fact, later on, in my determination to never fail, I ironically dropped out of music at University because I was giving my all, driving my arms into the ground with injuries, and going to get only a B+. High standards much? But surely, THIS is who I was. "The amazing pianist". Wrong again.
Next up, marriage and making a home. I felt like I was under a heavy weight of failure. What sort of girl would move away from her parents, her home town, a rent-free 4-bedroom home for life and choose instead a struggling film student, debt and 400 sq. ft. of rented space? Not to worry. I would show everyone. I would show the world what kind of girl would do that. It would be the kind of girl that landed successful job after successful job, started her own businesses on the side, paid off debt and an entire mortgage in 6 years (still working on that one...). She would be a wife with a perfectly tidy home, volunteer at church, have a social life, and work 2-3 jobs at all times while pursing violin lessons and photography late into the night. Is this who I am? It's what people see right now when they look at me. There's Laura and her million jobs and half a dozen hobbies. Oh, and she has a kick-a** marriage as well (which I do, but that is because I married the most amazing man you could ever dream of). Is this who I am? If you ask me, I will say "no". I am supposed to say that. Please don't be offended that I'm lying to you. I am lying to myself as well.
And the latest and greatest ambition? Photography. I would master it. I would get good. Really good. Hang my stuff on the wall and be proud good. Am I there yet? Some think so. Some don't. Could I get there quickly if I dug in and really put my mind to it? Sure, I could. It's what I do. I conquer things. I'm reaching a place where I know I have so much to learn still, but I actually feel I have a style and a voice. There's Laura. The photographer. She's really good. Is that what I want? I'm supposed to say no, you know. But I want it because it's a label and I collect labels. I pin them to myself in false humility and embrace the sense of peace that comes from knowing "who and what you are".
These are the headline labels, but there are hundreds of others. I'm introverted. I'm wounded. I'm strong. I'm whatever the heck I need to be in the moment to place myself on a pedestal of honour or a pedestal of pity. You know what I actually am, though, right? I'm normal. Everything I just typed can apply to every other human being on the planet. Our labels are different, but our subconsciouses are the same.
I do have one true label, though. The only one that is legit. The only one that is real or truly meaningful. I am going to tell you what it is. When I do, old saints will smile and nod their heads approvingly. The younger generation will perhaps do the same. Or perhaps they will throw out a more enthusiastic "amen!" Others, will gloss over it as commonplace "Christianese", the obvious "Jesus" answer that we joke about. But I'm going to say it. And then I'm going to take it one step further and tell you what most people won't.
Here is who I really am. Here is the label I know to be true. I am a sinner redeemed by what God has done for me, and I am now one of His children, dearly loved, tremendously forgiven.
Good job, me. I said the right answer. Now the part no one really says. What the HECK does that even mean? *Cue the part where I stop typing and stare at my screen while I decide how real I want to get online.
You want a few more labels? I have trust issues. I have trust issues with God. I have no problem with the "God of the universe, King of everything, Lord of all" part. I get that. I understand He came and died for me and that I'm one of His children now. But I obviously don't really get that down in my heart because if I TRULY did, I'd stop collecting labels like they were going out of style. I get authoritarian. I get respect. I get holiness. I don't get unconditional love. I don't get this God that is willing to take me stripped of every label I've ever collected. I don't get this having an identity APART from my titles and accomplishments. I mean, I get the CONCEPT. But I don't get the reality of it. But I want to. I want my relationship with God to be so present, so real, and so encompassing that I don't need a single old or new label. I'm not talking about the religion I so enthusiastically embraced as a teenager. I'm talking about the real deal. I'm talking about being a Christian in the truest sense of the word.
Being a Christian means you can stop. You can stop building your own identity and lying to yourself about who you really are. We are more than what we do. We are more than who we know. We are more than ourselves and our labels. Or at least, we are if we allow God to make us that. I am a Christian. I am free from all of this. But it's time to actually step out of the cage. The door has been standing open for a long time, but I don't think I've ever stepped through. Do I still have trust issues? Sure do. But as a wise family member said to me recently, sometimes trusting is just a decision you make whether your heart is ready to believe it or not. And I'm really good at choosing to do things. So this year, I'm choosing to trust.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
This Year's Journey
Winter:
I know it's a little early for a New-Year's-Eve type post, but I can't help being reflective already. When I look back at all the changes in our life over the past 12 months, it's amazing where God has taken us. My husband entered the year being a part of his original film company with two partners, but also knowing that he had been offered a management position at one of the largest wedding video companies in the city. We spent the first part of the year wrestling with that. Should he leave the company that he had built from the ground up over the past few years? Should we take on something so big? The idea of both of us working together as a husband/wife team at the new wedding video company is what won us over in the end, among other things. We have always wanted to work together at something, and the fact that it was a husband/wife team asking us to come on as husband and wife sealed the deal.
Spring/Summer:
That threw our lives into a flurry of activity. We have never been busier. Ever. In. Our. Entire. Lives. March - September was filled with literally sometimes 100-hour work weeks (70 hours would be considered taking it easy). (Save for a day 10 trip in April where we went to Mexico and literally laid around and just slept for days on end because we were so exhausted). Nick would do back-to-back weddings. He would leave on Friday morning and I would see him Monday night. Sometimes he would come home and leave again in the dark hours of the morning, and sometimes he didn't come home at night at all. He had to miss the entirely of Easter as he spent the entire weekend working (literally, he slept one hour per night on the couch at the office while projects rendered out). I wanted to punch anyone I heard complain about long work hours during this time. There were no days off - at least not for Nick. He says he got days off, and I have to remind him that working 5-6 hours from home a couple times a month does not count as a day off.
There wasn't room for me to come on full time this year, so I kept both of my day jobs (working full time at the hospital, and teaching piano at night). However, every spare lunch break, evening and weekend my mind had to shift gears to the company. I would find myself walking to the skytrain from the hospital, with a backpack full of piano books heading to lessons, while I texted video clients. Fridays were the worst. 8am - 4pm at the hospital followed by 4:30pm-12:30am at the company. We made it all the way to almost the end of June before we hit a wall. There was just so much work. So many clients. We turned and looked at each other and said, "This is not the life we believe God would call us to". There has to be room outside of work for community, for friends, for family, for helping others, for seeing each other. Those aren't "fillers" you cram in once a year when you have time. Those are what life is about. We looked at our budget and realized we really couldn't afford to quit. And then we did it anyways.
Fall:
We helped finish out the Summer and found ourselves completely on our own in October. We braced ourselves for it to get hard. It had been too long. Nick had said "no" to too many opportunities and to too many people over the last year for him to have any leads. We trimmed way back and prepared to live on my income alone and send Nick out to scrounge for a few hundred a month (since even with my having a government job AND a well-paid, part-time gig, you still can't have a mortgage here on that alone, which is sad when you consider our mortgage is less than almost all our friends' rent...). Nick went out and connected like crazy. He tried to re-establish relationships at church, and with friends, and with work contacts. We even had a potential dream gig turn up for him, and thought he would get the job for sure. Part time. Not a great, but not a terrible salary either. Close to home. In the industry. And God said... "no". That's it. Not, "No, because I want you to do this instead". Just, "no." And we said, "Okay, we're sad, but we'll trust you."
Winter:
And then the miraculous happened. We were only three or four weeks into "we have no idea what we're doing, but we know we're following God to... somewhere... eventually... we hope!" Suddenly, all these jobs started to come in. Nick was getting to do his favourite kind of work (Assistant Directing), with some of his favourite people, and unlike previous years, it wasn't for free this time! I started to get some photography gigs. We even decided to start our own little company - Paraphrase Productions - working together! (Granted, I still have my other two jobs). Nick ended up making more in his first month solo than he made with the large video company. God just poured blessings into our lives. Nick had satisfying and fulfilling work. We had our own tiny company together. We were both back on the worship team at church and volunteering. We saw each other in the evenings. We even had most weekends together. We couldn't believe it. I still get teary-eyed when I think of how gracious God was to us in our blind faith. And then it happened.
Nick got a phone call. The dream job we had originally wanted as we stepped out alone and God said no? Three months later they were asking Nick to please come in because they wanted him. It didn't work out with the previous hire, and they really wanted Nick. You'ld think we would have jumped all over it immediately. But we were cautious and took some time. Because, you know, after a year like this, we had learned that what we actually wanted was whatever the heck God wanted because He obviously has a bigger plan. Nick accepted the job this week. And here we are. Together. With TIME. Not as much as some people as we both still have 2-3 jobs each, but with what feels like oodles of it compared to the past months. I'm still full time at the hospital and part time with piano. I also do a very little bit of photography on the side with our new company. Nick is half time at his new job and half time with our company. We are in awe of God's provision, and so happy right now. We have evenings (albeit LATE evenings) together. We have most weekends. We have time for holidays. We have time for friends, and church, and family and community. And most importantly, we have faith. Faith that whatever could possibly be around the bend, as long as we're following God, we're right where we're supposed to be. And we don't regret any of it. Not even the hard stuff.
Summary:
Yes, I realize I could have easily ended with the sentence above, but I had to add one thing. The journey we just walked is NOT just work-related. It can apply to anything in life. God often takes us places we don't want to go. He says, "Don't do that or don't go there", and we say, "Why not!? That doesn't even make sense, God. I'm just going to ignore that part of You, and follow the rest of You." We actually think we know better than Him, and that our plan is better than His. What I want to say is God does not need to explain Himself. He loves you, so just TRUST Him. Obey Him. Even if Nick didn't get any work. Even if he never got that phone call. That's not what matters. What matters is that REGARDLESS of the outcome, God has a plan, and it's a really good idea to just go with it. He's read the entire book. So just follow Him to the next chapter.
I know it's a little early for a New-Year's-Eve type post, but I can't help being reflective already. When I look back at all the changes in our life over the past 12 months, it's amazing where God has taken us. My husband entered the year being a part of his original film company with two partners, but also knowing that he had been offered a management position at one of the largest wedding video companies in the city. We spent the first part of the year wrestling with that. Should he leave the company that he had built from the ground up over the past few years? Should we take on something so big? The idea of both of us working together as a husband/wife team at the new wedding video company is what won us over in the end, among other things. We have always wanted to work together at something, and the fact that it was a husband/wife team asking us to come on as husband and wife sealed the deal.
Spring/Summer:
That threw our lives into a flurry of activity. We have never been busier. Ever. In. Our. Entire. Lives. March - September was filled with literally sometimes 100-hour work weeks (70 hours would be considered taking it easy). (Save for a day 10 trip in April where we went to Mexico and literally laid around and just slept for days on end because we were so exhausted). Nick would do back-to-back weddings. He would leave on Friday morning and I would see him Monday night. Sometimes he would come home and leave again in the dark hours of the morning, and sometimes he didn't come home at night at all. He had to miss the entirely of Easter as he spent the entire weekend working (literally, he slept one hour per night on the couch at the office while projects rendered out). I wanted to punch anyone I heard complain about long work hours during this time. There were no days off - at least not for Nick. He says he got days off, and I have to remind him that working 5-6 hours from home a couple times a month does not count as a day off.
There wasn't room for me to come on full time this year, so I kept both of my day jobs (working full time at the hospital, and teaching piano at night). However, every spare lunch break, evening and weekend my mind had to shift gears to the company. I would find myself walking to the skytrain from the hospital, with a backpack full of piano books heading to lessons, while I texted video clients. Fridays were the worst. 8am - 4pm at the hospital followed by 4:30pm-12:30am at the company. We made it all the way to almost the end of June before we hit a wall. There was just so much work. So many clients. We turned and looked at each other and said, "This is not the life we believe God would call us to". There has to be room outside of work for community, for friends, for family, for helping others, for seeing each other. Those aren't "fillers" you cram in once a year when you have time. Those are what life is about. We looked at our budget and realized we really couldn't afford to quit. And then we did it anyways.
Fall:
We helped finish out the Summer and found ourselves completely on our own in October. We braced ourselves for it to get hard. It had been too long. Nick had said "no" to too many opportunities and to too many people over the last year for him to have any leads. We trimmed way back and prepared to live on my income alone and send Nick out to scrounge for a few hundred a month (since even with my having a government job AND a well-paid, part-time gig, you still can't have a mortgage here on that alone, which is sad when you consider our mortgage is less than almost all our friends' rent...). Nick went out and connected like crazy. He tried to re-establish relationships at church, and with friends, and with work contacts. We even had a potential dream gig turn up for him, and thought he would get the job for sure. Part time. Not a great, but not a terrible salary either. Close to home. In the industry. And God said... "no". That's it. Not, "No, because I want you to do this instead". Just, "no." And we said, "Okay, we're sad, but we'll trust you."
Winter:
And then the miraculous happened. We were only three or four weeks into "we have no idea what we're doing, but we know we're following God to... somewhere... eventually... we hope!" Suddenly, all these jobs started to come in. Nick was getting to do his favourite kind of work (Assistant Directing), with some of his favourite people, and unlike previous years, it wasn't for free this time! I started to get some photography gigs. We even decided to start our own little company - Paraphrase Productions - working together! (Granted, I still have my other two jobs). Nick ended up making more in his first month solo than he made with the large video company. God just poured blessings into our lives. Nick had satisfying and fulfilling work. We had our own tiny company together. We were both back on the worship team at church and volunteering. We saw each other in the evenings. We even had most weekends together. We couldn't believe it. I still get teary-eyed when I think of how gracious God was to us in our blind faith. And then it happened.
Nick got a phone call. The dream job we had originally wanted as we stepped out alone and God said no? Three months later they were asking Nick to please come in because they wanted him. It didn't work out with the previous hire, and they really wanted Nick. You'ld think we would have jumped all over it immediately. But we were cautious and took some time. Because, you know, after a year like this, we had learned that what we actually wanted was whatever the heck God wanted because He obviously has a bigger plan. Nick accepted the job this week. And here we are. Together. With TIME. Not as much as some people as we both still have 2-3 jobs each, but with what feels like oodles of it compared to the past months. I'm still full time at the hospital and part time with piano. I also do a very little bit of photography on the side with our new company. Nick is half time at his new job and half time with our company. We are in awe of God's provision, and so happy right now. We have evenings (albeit LATE evenings) together. We have most weekends. We have time for holidays. We have time for friends, and church, and family and community. And most importantly, we have faith. Faith that whatever could possibly be around the bend, as long as we're following God, we're right where we're supposed to be. And we don't regret any of it. Not even the hard stuff.
Summary:
Yes, I realize I could have easily ended with the sentence above, but I had to add one thing. The journey we just walked is NOT just work-related. It can apply to anything in life. God often takes us places we don't want to go. He says, "Don't do that or don't go there", and we say, "Why not!? That doesn't even make sense, God. I'm just going to ignore that part of You, and follow the rest of You." We actually think we know better than Him, and that our plan is better than His. What I want to say is God does not need to explain Himself. He loves you, so just TRUST Him. Obey Him. Even if Nick didn't get any work. Even if he never got that phone call. That's not what matters. What matters is that REGARDLESS of the outcome, God has a plan, and it's a really good idea to just go with it. He's read the entire book. So just follow Him to the next chapter.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Why. Why Choose to Follow?
My coworker and I were talking after class last week, and he asked me a question that was harder than I thought to put into words. He asked me, "Why." Why do I choose to follow Christ. Have you ever tried to put something like that into actual words?
How do you begin to even describe what it's like to live every day in relationship with God. Not merely following rules and regulations as "fire insurance", but walking WITH God. How do you put into words the peace, the assurance, the companionship, the confidence and the direction that brings to your life? That's like someone asking me, "Why? Why do you love your husband? Why do you want to honour, and serve and do life with Nick?" My immediate answer is how could I not!?
I could sit here and list all the tiny attributes and characteristics and things that make me so in love with Nick or so in love with God, but that makes it seem so categorizable (it's a word now). Do I love Nick because he stays up late to make me a sandwich for work the next day when he knows I need to be up at 4:30am? Do I love Nick because of his sweet, tender and gentle spirit/heart? Do I love Nick because of all the ways he shows love to me on a daily basis? Do I love Nick for his personality, quirks and dreams? Yes, yes, yes, and yes! But it's so much MORE than that. Nick is my husband, my lover, my companion, my strength, my best friend, my co-adventurer, my back-up, always in my court, always supporting me, always encouraging me, always there. Do you know what it's like to just have someone like that THERE?
That is Jesus. THAT is why I could not, would not, ever choose to do life without Him. Do I love Him because He died for me when He didn't have to? Do I love Him because I know He has a plan for my life and wishes good things for me? Do I love Him because He is there in all the little blessings from only 4 red lights on the way to work this morning when I was running late to a timely song on the radio? Do I love Him because of Who He is and because He first loved me? Yes, yes, yes and yes! But it's so much MORE than that. Jesus is my Saviour, my Giver of hope, my Giver of purpose, my true Best Friend, my constant Companion, my strength, always in my court, always wanting the best for me, always directing me when I stray, always listening, always ready, always THERE.
So my first answer is truly my final answer - how could I NOT want to do life with Him? It's not just about a "reward in the sky one day". It's about the here. It's about the now. The world is messy. It is unfair. It is often downright mean. Why would anyone want to take on the world alone when they could have a Companion like that? And I have been blessed with two. One is only human, but the other is my God.
How do you begin to even describe what it's like to live every day in relationship with God. Not merely following rules and regulations as "fire insurance", but walking WITH God. How do you put into words the peace, the assurance, the companionship, the confidence and the direction that brings to your life? That's like someone asking me, "Why? Why do you love your husband? Why do you want to honour, and serve and do life with Nick?" My immediate answer is how could I not!?
I could sit here and list all the tiny attributes and characteristics and things that make me so in love with Nick or so in love with God, but that makes it seem so categorizable (it's a word now). Do I love Nick because he stays up late to make me a sandwich for work the next day when he knows I need to be up at 4:30am? Do I love Nick because of his sweet, tender and gentle spirit/heart? Do I love Nick because of all the ways he shows love to me on a daily basis? Do I love Nick for his personality, quirks and dreams? Yes, yes, yes, and yes! But it's so much MORE than that. Nick is my husband, my lover, my companion, my strength, my best friend, my co-adventurer, my back-up, always in my court, always supporting me, always encouraging me, always there. Do you know what it's like to just have someone like that THERE?
That is Jesus. THAT is why I could not, would not, ever choose to do life without Him. Do I love Him because He died for me when He didn't have to? Do I love Him because I know He has a plan for my life and wishes good things for me? Do I love Him because He is there in all the little blessings from only 4 red lights on the way to work this morning when I was running late to a timely song on the radio? Do I love Him because of Who He is and because He first loved me? Yes, yes, yes and yes! But it's so much MORE than that. Jesus is my Saviour, my Giver of hope, my Giver of purpose, my true Best Friend, my constant Companion, my strength, always in my court, always wanting the best for me, always directing me when I stray, always listening, always ready, always THERE.
So my first answer is truly my final answer - how could I NOT want to do life with Him? It's not just about a "reward in the sky one day". It's about the here. It's about the now. The world is messy. It is unfair. It is often downright mean. Why would anyone want to take on the world alone when they could have a Companion like that? And I have been blessed with two. One is only human, but the other is my God.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Mexico 2013
This is where God is. In the present. I AM - His very name.... It's not the gifts that fulfill, but the holiness of the space. The God in it.... This is supreme gift, time, God Himself framed in moment. ...and time is only of the essence, because time is the essence of God, I AM.
This I need to consecrate: time.
Ann Voskamp - One Thousand Gifts
On our vacation, I started rereading a life-changing book that I received for Christmas a couple of years ago. It is a book that follows a woman's journey of learning how to live a life of continual thanks and awareness of the presence of God. It is the type of book that is easy to read when you are immersed in turquoise waters, white sands, and warm breezes. When salt curls your hair, fish eat bananas out of your hands, and you stay up til 5:00am just because. When you stroll through colourful markets, star gaze on the beach, and chase sand out of your mouth while wrapped in a blanket against the ocean breeze. The words come easy surrounded by endless food, recreation and napping opportunities. The words come easy when you have nothing but an abundance of Time.
However, it is in the returning home that the words dig a little deeper. It is when the clock starts to count again, the rain clouds over the sky, and you take your phone off of airplane mode that the real challenge begins. Coming home was little like being hit in the face with a brick (literally, if you consider I just had all four of my wisdom teeth out without any sedation). It is when you open your account to 114 waiting email messages, when you are asked to add just another 10 hours to your already 65-70 hour work week, and when you feel like if one more person asks you to do one more thing you may just scream. THAT is precisely when Time most needs to be consecrated.
It is in the real life. In the busy. In the hectic. In the mundane, and the stressful and the ordinary that Time is the most easy to lose. And it is in the here and in the now that I am most determined to not lose it. Nick and I are entering a season in life where we cannot slow down our surroundings, but we can slow down our hearts. It is now, more than ever, that we need to live in EACH moment, fully aware of its being a gift from God, and fully aware of the God that takes us through every second of every day. The hands on the clock do not offer us a racing partner. They offer us 86,400 moments in a day to experience living life fully, where ever we are, whatever we are doing.
And as the tan peels away, as my mouth throbs from its recent extractions, as Monday morning looms, and as I miss Nick just a little bit more each hour as I have barely seen him all weekend, I sit here in thankfulness.
I am thankful for a time away and a time of rest.
I am thankful for great dental plans and lack of swelling.
I am thankful that the excessive mouth bleeding has ceased.
I am thankful that I have the means to wash the pile of bloody shirts
in my closet should I choose to get around to doing so.
I am thankful for pain so that I can be every more appreciative of when it stops.
I am thankful for dates with my father-in-law.
I am thankful for the chance to play on the worship team this weekend at church.
I am thankful for work that Nick loves to do and direction and purpose in his career.
I am thankful for a great job to go to every Monday.
I am thankful for time to write.
I am thankful for time to reflect.
I am thankful for life's greater purpose.
I am thankful.
I am thankful.
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